Post Script To Myself

P.S. to future self:

This is your past self talking to you.

Yes, I know we've both had our problems, both had our difficulties. Who knows? By the time you reread this, or re-reread this, you could be in the difficulty of our lives.

I just want to remind you to take it slow. Life's not meant to be gobbled up in a few months' time. Take your time. Enjoy the small things. Play your videogames. Immerse yourself in books. Go forth and shoot the 3-pointers.

Don't ever forget the fun-loving you. Don't ever forget the joker within you. Remember: there's a reason why you love comedies. There's a reason why you never think a joke's corny.

You have inside you the heart of an innocent joker. If there ever is such a thing. What I wanted to say was, you laugh your heart out at every genuinely funny joke, "corny" or not.

Don't let anyone stop you from laughing. Don't let yourself be influenced by people who think that jokes are corny and love is cheesy.

Never ever think of love as cheesy. You are a romantic by heart. Do not let that go.

Let people say what they want to say. It's their life, after all. Not yours. And vice-versa. So don't tell other people what to do, and don't let other people dictate your actions. LEt them live their life. Go live yours to the fullest.

Life's not fair. Yes it gets repetitious, but we both keep forgetting. I guess the only remedy for this is optimism. Never get pessimistic. Always remember that there's a silver lining in every dark cloud. Or something.

Don't throw away your identity because of a few people. Don't throw away your personality because of your peers.

We both have been guilty in the past. I look back at our past entries, at each nugget of personalized history embedded in this blog. I am not proud of some of the things we did. But realize this: Continue writing. This blog is like a pensieve. It organizes our thoughts so that we can think better. So that we can find it in ourselves to do the right thing, whatever it is.

Keep things simple. Do not presume to know everyone's thoughts. And do not let people presume that they know yours.

Find true friends. Never let them go.

Conflict is inevitable. Let go of people who say they are your friends but do not act like it. In the long run, the hurt shall fade.

Never be ashamed of who you are. I write this to you, future self, in a state of half-shame. But I just realized that there is nothing to be ashamed about.

Do not follow the footsteps of your peers who have adopted pretension as their son. Be true to yourself. Say what you really feel. Remember Dr. Seuss who said, "Be who you are, say what you feel, because the ones that mind don't matter, and the ones that matter don't mind."

You have lost something. You have lost the unconditional trust you once had for everyone. Regain it. It is better to trust and be fooled than to always remain in a state of doubt. The ones who matter won't betray your trust anyway. Let the rumormongers seek deceit.

In essence:
Never lose the part of yourself that is innocent and free from pretension. Naive sometimes, hell, most of the time, but innocent nonetheless.

I hope that the next time you read this, we shall both have been satisfied by who we are.

This Was Supposed To Be A Frothy Entry

By frothy, I mean happy, light, bubbly.

I was halfway through describing my "reunion: with my HS friends (By the way, I really had fun. Thanks guys!), but I somehow lost the will to write.

I lost my frothiness.

It seems like everytime I start to post.. I lose my energy. Thus the famine of entries.

Thus the wasteland which my blog has become.

Now I keep wondering, whatever happened to the good ol' days?

Days when life wasn't as complicated as now. When life was fun.

Oh sure, I have fun days, but they come fewer and farther between. Why is that? Isn't college supposed to be the funnest, the most incredible, the ultimate?

Here I am again, bemoaning my lot in life. Yes, yes, compared to others, I live a fortunate life. But I can't help wondering why a lot of stuff are f*cked up now.

I'm talking about people.

Of course it always comes down to people. After all, a few billion of us are scattered around the whole world.

My point is: When the hell did people get so complicated?

It really bugs me to watch my relationships with other people unravel because of simple misunderstandings. Simple to me, yes. But when did such a simple sentence like "Don't tell anyone what we talked about" become so complicated that I have to spend 5 minutes elucidating that single sentence to the person?

Complications abound. Yet if we stop to think about it, everything's just peachy simple. What happened to life as i know it one year ago?

Am I missing something? Aren't these people the same students who freakin' passed their college entrance exams? Who freakin' had enough brains to reach college?

Did I miss a fact? Did I miss an announcement that said: "Everyone in college, stop using your brain." Or did I miss the alien invasion that sucked up everyone's minds?

I may seem harsh, and I am harsh, but I'm really stumped on this one.

Maybe I'm just having a very rude awakening to the "real world." A world where complication is the new simplification.

If that's so, then I see no reason to wake up. Sweet dreams.

hkasRsklfjIjkddhVjkdfljAjsd

It's been a while since I last posted... A lot of things have happened.

It's the middle of finals week. But actually, for me, the end's in sight. Only one more final exam tomorrow, then it's our term break. Yipee..

Sigh.. Days like this always make me depressed.

Well anyway, I think I did well in the past 2 exams.. Although I may be in danger in our Math exam..

I'm now spending free time playing DotA. I guess leaving online gameplay and Counter-Strike has forced me to get into another game. It's just too bad that my uber expert friend Omar keeps wiping me and my teammates' faces on his butt.. (Eww did I just write that?) Even in a 4 on 1.. Very frustrating.. Someday, I too shall find some people I can own.. :D

And I also had a lot of ups and downs..
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I now find myself combating the threat posed by.. Uncertainty. Fear its writhing tentacles of doom.

Yes, I keep having doubts about everything.

Mostly, I keep having doubts about people. I keep having these thoughts that my friends are just using me, or they do not need me. And other things to that effect.

I guess everything I'm feeling boils down to this: Uncertainty.

Yes, fear the tentacles.

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That's why I'm looking forward to this Sunday's gimmick with my high school friends. No uncertainty there..

Mixed-Up

Probably the most common emotion.

More common than anger.
More common than love.
More common than.. [insert random emotion here]

One moment you're estatic because you're mixed-up emotions were wrong. The next moment you come crashing down to earth. And it's kinda annoying because it happens quite often that one minute you're down in the dumps, and the next you're flying through the air.

Haha. I hate being mixed up, but I'm mixed up quite often. Maybe I think I hate myself, but in reality, I hate the state I am in. I don't know, I'm no Sigmund Freud.

But it seems pretty weird because of all the range of emotions people can choose from, they have to settle for a mixture of everything.

Maybe that's why we love halo-halo so much, eh?

Week End.

I used to hate weekends.

I used to hate today especially.

I guess all it takes is the guts to have the initiative, instead of waiting.

Now I still find weekends boring, but at least I've stopped feeling this bad.

I'm happy right now. Happy, that in spite of everything that's happened, I still have my friends with me. I realized that instead of being a friend myself, I've become selfish. I'll be the first to admit that. I want to be there for her, but instead, added more burden on her shoulders. I won't do that again. That's a promise I intend to keep.

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There's a touching scene in the 6th episode of Ichigo 100%, the only episode so far that has nothing to do with the male libido.

This girl Nishino is 'celebrating' her birthday. But in reality, she's depressed because she wants to spend time with this boy named Manaka. But they don't meet very much now that they're in different schools. So she goes out with a friend to do some shopping. It turns out that her friend was just setting her up with a blind date, a senior at her school. The said guy then tries to kiss her but Nishino kicks him in the face. He tells Nishino that in this generation, kisses aren't that big a deal. HE even tells her, "A kiss is just like a handshake." Nishino gets upset and bolts. She hasn't even been kissed before.

So she decides to call Manaka and meet up with him. Manaka gets worried because it's late at night and Nishino sounded desperate. When he finally meets her, she's holding 2 slices of cake. Manaka forgets that it's her birthday but Nishino doesn't mind. He's here now, with her. After they eat, Nishino thanks Manaka.

Then she asks him to shake hands with her.

Nishino leaves Manaka confused and unsure of what just happened.
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Yes, it may sound cheesy to some.

I've always loved cheese, myself.

Week End

I used to like weekends.

Back in high school, weekends were the only days when I could rest, relax, and play videogames.

I now find weekends boring.

I miss the hectic day-to-day activities of college life. I'm having so much fun, even though I admit that some of my classes are boring. Thankfully, with only three classes a day, I have a lot of spare time to spend.

I hate this weekend especially.

It's 2 days of having nothing to do.
It's 2 days of time wasted instead of time being spento mending relationships.
It's 2 days of being away from...

Sigh.

Rain

I saw three bubbles floating on a puddle of water.
The rain was beating down on the earth.
Two of the bubbles were quickly burst by the falling drops of rain.
The third bubble managed to slip in and out of the raindrops threatening to burst it.
It tried so hard.
After a few seconds, the final bubble burst.

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I don't know what happened today.

I tried my best to forget yesterday. I tried my best to make it work. Well, it did work, at least at the start. I thought to myself, maybe I can get over this hurdle.

But in the end, Yoda was right. Do or do not, there is no try.

It started after lunch. Depressingly, it started right after I thought to myself that things were okay.

It was the little things that did me in, I think. Little things I noticed, like the fact that she didn't show the least interest in what I was saying. It's either that, or she's deaf. I don't know. If she IS deaf, then I really haven't known her THAT well.

Break--- I just remembered one thing she told me. "The first term is almost over, and I still don't know you," she said. I remembered being a little bit hurt, that after all the conversations we had, she didn't think of me as a close friend. But then she laughed. I still wonder sometimes whether she meant it as a joke or as a serious thing.
End of break----

Where was I? Little things.. Like while we were waiting for photocopied notes, We sat together on the steps. Then she walked away. After that, she didn't even try talking to me. The whole time I was sitting there, she talked with every group of people near me. Every group. All except me. I know I probably should've tried talking to her then, but I was stopped by the thought that if she didn't care enough to talk to me of her own will, then maybe I was wrong about everything I thought about her.

There I was, the drama of my life replaying in my head, fermenting. I know I shouldn't have thought of things that way, but I couldn't stop myself. I kept wondering about all the little things she said to me, all the little actions she did. The little things that she did while she was with me and the little things that she did when she was with other people. Little things like taking me for granted. I had begun to notice that she was taking me for granted whenever there were other people around. I do not, and I might be getting paranoid in my old age.

I guess I just got fed up being the one who always tries. It's not like we were strangers. I know we haven't been friends that long, but I still thought of her as being a close friend. What she thought of me, I do not know. And I wonder if it's a blessing that I do not know.

It all came to a head.

I guess she really didn't think anything was wrong. I got fed up. I reacted rashly. I shouted at her, asking why if seemed that she didn't want to talk to me. Knowing that I couldn't take back my words, I walked away. She tried to ask me why I was angry. "Oi, why are you angry?" Again.. That "Oi." She tried a different tack and said, "Don't be angry" or "Sorry" I don't want to remember. I really wanted to talk to her then. To tell her what I really felt.

I think it was my pride that stopped me from doing so. Sigh. I guess I really didn't think she would understand my reasoning- that friends were supposed to take care of each other, that friends would never ignore each other, that friends are people whom you can really turn to.

We were supposed to watch Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Or play Dance Mania. I didn't think I could function that well now that I was angst-y and all. So I split.

Now I'm here in the office of The LaSallian, fulfilling my residency requirement. I have been moping around in the office, acting like a weirdo. I didn't even have the strength to smile.

I do not want to lose her. I have to face that fact. Maybe it will help me pick up the broken pieces of our friendship and glue them back together.

I don't want to sweat the small stuff.
She's not worth losing over them.

Life Today

Before today was yesterday, and before yesterday was yesterday's yesterday.

So there I was slaving away for the past two days on my Computer Programming I [COMPRO1] machine project [MP]. I was supposed to be programming a "2 - player card game quite similar to Pusoy," to quote the words of wisdom that can be found on my MP specifications. Let's see.. when I finally finished, I found out that I had typed in 1207 lines of code in my version 1, plus an additional 69 lines of code for my version 2, not counting copy-pasted stuff, for a grand total of... 1276 lines! Thus ended the creation of my first-ever Machine Project and full-blown program. I shall forever remember 'Grimace Poker,' named after our COMPRO1 professor who is quite cool, but dresses like Grimace.. Green and purple.. O_O

One more note of interest: After 5 years of searching, I have finally found an mp3 of BoA's song Every Heart, which I fell in love with way back in first year high school during a Taiwan study tour. I still regret not buying her album. Sighs.. But yes! I finally succeeded in finding the darn song!
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Today:

I just deleted everything I wrote here. I don't know why, but after finishing dinner, I reread this and found a lack of emotion. This post was really meant to be a "catharsis" post. I needed to let out some emotion and I don't think my prim and proper post did the job.

So I found my good friend Chris in YM who was willing to let me rant on his IM window so..I just copy pasted my monologue.

And please, DO NOT POST COMMENTS ABOUT : Bitchy, whine psots, very emotional, keep your cool, you're too sensitive, cool down, you're not making any sense, this is not fun to read, etc. As I said, I NEED TO LET THIS FEELING OUT. If I let it out in real life, I might do something I regret. Whistles... Words of support are ok though HAHAHAHAHA

So here's my.. er. very very one-sided rant.

jenoosia: patuloy tuloy na ito a.. (parang telenovela)
jenoosia: kasi parang kanina kasama ko sya sa lrt parating nauuna d man lang naghihintay tapos ayun dun sa lrt parang d kmi magkakilala dko alam kuing ako lang yun o malay ba tapos
jenoosia: dun naman papunta sa pe bldg meet namin si TOOT tapos ayun parang inbisibol na ako tapos ayun same thing rin d man lang naghihintay
jenoosia: tapos ayun dun na sa pe bldg tapos may maraming times na im trying to say something or in the middle of something tapos ayun bigla lang either change topic or d papansinin ang sinabi
jenoosia: tapos parang weird minsan d ako naririnig malay ko ba tapos..
jenoosia: kanina sa swimming i tried to forget the previous stuff tapos ok na
jenoosia: pero afterwards parang same old same old parin tapos ayun dko na alam pano mag react
jenoosia: ni try ko naman sabihin sa kanya pero parang d nya narinig (?)
jenoosia: tapos naasar ako ayun kain kmi dun sa resto sa may fix na salon tapos na babad trip na ako
jenoosia: tapos afterwards parang malay ko ba nairita ako sa sinabi nya "punta na AKO sa lab" kasi parang nakalimutan nya na may kasama sya namely ako punta kmi sa lab nasa akin pa nga envelop nya tapos p[arang naiinip na sya
jenoosia: tapos ayun nainis ako umalis ako agad
jenoosia: tapos habang papunta ako sa lab nag catch up sya sakin tapos "oi galit ka ba sakin?"
jenoosia: tapos parang mejo bad trip ako dko alam pano sabihin sa kanya tapos parang sabi ko wala wala mamaya na
jenoosia: tapos parang biglang nawalan ng attention sakin ang weird nh?
jenoosia: tapos the next thing i know parang tawa tawa na sya sa likod may kausap
jenoosia: tapos ayun mas na bad trip ako kakausapin man lang ako isang statement lang.. bka dahil sa reply ko pero parang weird parin i dunno kung ako sya iba ginawa ko probably
jenoosia: tapos ayun nsa lab kmi prang nkalimutan na nya ka badtripan ko bigla lang ako tinanong about ung ni text mo sa kanya parang "wla lang, i dont care if ur angry attitude' o malay ko ba
jenoosia: tapos ayun mas badtrip ako sa kanya
jenoosia: tapos after mag lab more of the same thing ignore, lipat attention, limut stuff
jenoosia: ayun sa huli dko na makayanan nung tinanong mo kung may away tapos nag reply siya ng dko narinig by the way d ako galit sau a
jenoosia: after that nag isip pa ako ayoko pa umuwi pero kung ganun rin ang kalabasan, umuwi nlng ako parang d rin ako magiging masaya kasama
jenoosia: and one more thing bat sya parati nagsisimula ng sentence ng "OI OI!"
jenoosia: kahit text man o ym o kahit IN PERSOn
jenoosia: ako parang "hi" o "morning" o "hello" sya naman "OI, etc etc" "Oi blah blah
jenoosia: la man lang greeting or something d ko alam kung ako lang un o soemthign else
jenoosia: (end)
jenoosia: "Bat may times as in parang langit kung magkasama kami tapos biglang mawawala dahil maiirita ako o malay ko ba what else?" pero thats not a question that just the confused state of my mind.
jenoosia: its just that sometimes ung pagkabata nya parang sumosobra.. uber short attention span, INSENSITIVE..
jenoosia: sigh,, weird, life is, confusing, also

And that was that, with Tagalog mixed in and grammatical errors galore.. Now I can go to sleep early, after two days of MP hell.

G'Night to everyone.

Random Thoughts Part Infinity

These days, I find myself not wanting to blog about my life.

It's kinda weird because the past few days have given me a lot of things to think about. They had their ups and downs, but I think I came off unscratched and whole, for the most part.

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Oh yeah, Now that I think about it, I've been eally busy the past few days. Which is probably the reason for my unbloggableness.. :o Or something. I actually read from another guy's blog about a term he calls Writer's Blog. It's just like Writer's block but for bloggers.

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Another reason for the lack of entries here is because of my meanderings through other people's blogs. It amazed me to see how deep some of the blogs I read were. It was an eye opener for me. I think I may have contracted Blogger's Envy.

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Today, I realized something. I have unknowingly hurt two of my friends and blockmates. To you guys, a very heartfelt sorry for being unconsciously cruel in my 'jokes.' I swear it won't happen again.

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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Dismissed by some as a money-making tool by J.K. Rowling. Dismissed by others as a 'lite' novel. While they may have some basis behind their claims, the fact is that Harry Potter are just so darn enjoyable to read. You never know what twists the story will turn next.

Personally, I love the world behind the novel.

The one thing HP has, and in large amounts, is teenage angst. Which is understandable. 17 years old and not having any angst is what's unbelievable.

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Complicated, life is.

Psychoanalysis

Allow me a rant before I proceed. My PC is acting up. Sigh. It keeps restarting for some odd reason. Even though it's just booting up. Or like when I'm in the middle of a blog entry. Sigh. Video card problems, it says. At least my hard drive's safe. Small comfort.

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I think I secretly, or at least unconsciously, wish to become a psychologist.

I just can't stop psychoanalyzing small things that people around me do. I don't know if many people experience this, too, but my "secret ambition" is getting on my nerves.

It's turning me into some weird, half-crazed, paranoid, overreactive freak.

It's causing havoc both in me and in my relationships. Grr...

As if I didn't have enough problems to deal with.

At times, it's as if the only thing occupying my mind is some small thing that a friend did a while ago. Analysing it. Buchering it into small bits, trying to decide what that person really meant when he said or did that small thing. I often forget that I myself am hardly responsible for habits long since taken for granted. I often forget that I myself don't really think of what I am doing at all times.

That is why, I must nip this psychologist thing in the bud.

Plus one to the resolutions list.

[I originally planned to write a deeper entry. I don't know. I guess the blog mood has passed me by. It could be the PC problems I'm having, or it could be the sushi I had for dinner.]