Menage Diagnostic Test

I had to answer these questions as part of being a newbie LaSallian staffer. Enjoy!

I. Free Association. In 5 words, write what comes to mind.

1. wiretapping – Next time, send an e-mail.

2. movie piracy – “Psst, Boss, DVD VCD cheap!”

3. Katya Santos – faceless soldier of boldstar army

4. Susan Roces – Queen of Panday’s non-existent kingdom

5. e-VAT – watered-down and stripped of power

6. Jasmine Trias – Hawaiian capitalizing on Filipino pride

7. Boy Abunda – queer eye for gossipping guys

8. plastic surgery – transforming everyone into Barbie dolls

9. Geoff Eigenmenn – Who the heck is this?

10. Angel Locsin (as Darna) – Intermittent danger of bra falling

II. Your take on current government situation w/o references to PGMA

Anyone can see that the Philippines is going up in flames. With recent controversies and exposés of corruption in the upper echelons of our government, everything this country has stood for is in grave danger of falling apart. Everyone, including me, has their own views on what must be done to end this crisis. What must not be done, however, is to take a detour around due process. I’ll be the first to admit that due process in this country can take a long time, but the system is in place for a reason, and that is to prevent anarchy. The present crisis cannot be resolved hastily. Everyone and everything suspected must be scrutinized carefully, and appropriate investigations must be started in order to reveal the truth of the matter. If, and only if, suspicions are proven to be true should the proper measures be taken. Flogging due process will have serious repercussions in the future. A government built on lies cannot stay afloat for long. The only way out of the hole that we are stuck in right now is to follow due process, THEN afterwards, take a long, hard look at the structure of our government, and start making some changes.

III. 4-6 sentences. What would happen if you were trapped in an elevator with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the Spice Girls, Sandara Park, Nora Aunor, an ostrich, a sledgehammer, a pepperoni pizza, and a roll of duct tape?

I waited in the cramped elevator, holding the pepperoni pizza I had just bought, surrounded by celebrities and the pet ostrich of the Spice Girls, which was gently nuzzling the pizza box. Suddenly, the elevator stopped, and the girl whom I mistook for Sandara Park pulled off her mask to reveal Nora Aunor, the actress-turned-undercover agent. Pandemonium broke loose as Katie Holmes, who had been quietly conversing with Tom Cruise, cursed at Agent Aunor and drew a sledgehammer from Tom’s backpack. The Spice Girls shrieked in alarm, causing the pet ostrich to shriek in alarm and start attacking my pizza- MY 495-peso all-meat pizza. A slow anger burned through me, and I used the dark side of the Force to bring time to a standstill. Grabbing a roll of duct tape, I gagged everyone in the elevator, proceeded to put on the Sandara Park disguise, extricated my pizza from the ostrich’s beak, snatched the sledgehammer from Katie’s grasp, heaved the sledgehammer at the elevator door until it crashed open, and walked away from the mess that being given a situation like this creates.

IV. Retell a fairy tale.

Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack was a 28-year old man living with his mother. They stayed in a ratty old bungalow. Jack’s mother was an overworked and underpaid construction worker. The money she brought home was barely enough to cover all their needs. As you can imagine, they had little luxuries in their home. Meanwhile, Jack worked at his job of being a bum. Incredibly, it took an amazing amount of work to find ways to avoid working and thus exert the least amount of effort. Jack had a lot of practice in his 28 years of life, however, and he got by without so much as lifting a finger in menial work. All his days were spent running away from work. He was satisfied enough with his career that he found no reason to ever stop being a bum.

This was how matters stood in Jack’s home, until one day, when his mother came home early from work. She found Jack snoring on the sofa, drool drying on the corners of his lips. The sight of her fat son proved to be too much for her overworked, underpaid eyes to see. She screamed at him to wake up and do something productive with his life.

“Like what, O mother provider of mine?” asked Jack.

“Like getting off your lazy butt and pawning my wedding ring to get the electric bill paid. It’s been 2 months since we’ve been disconnected,” replied his mother.

Grumbling sleepily, Jack took the wedding ring and went to the pawnshop. Upon arriving, the pawnshop owner greeted is favorite customer amiably. “How’s the career, Jack my boy?” he asked.

“Fine, fine, George. Only I hit a career roadblock some time ago, and here I am pawning this ring, instead of bumming around like I should be doing.”

“Oh yeah, about the pawn thing. I’m kind of short in cash right now. Why don’t I just give you these free passes to The Beanstalk Club? It’s a nice place for wasting your time,” said George.

“Hmm.. That sounds like a fair trade! Fine by me!”

Jack took the passes and went home to tell his mother the good news. Predictably, Jack’s house was soon the ground zero of another warzone. His mom shouted and screamed and tore her hair, but Jack explained that he couldn’t return the tickets because he might hurt George’s feelings. This was the last straw for Mommy Dearest. She threw him out of her home with nothing but the clothes on his back and the passes he traded for the wedding ring.

Morose, now that his comfortable sofa would no longer be available to him, he decided to head to the Beanstalk Club to drown his sorrows in alcohol, conveniently forgetting that he had no money. After a few minutes of wandering around the club-and-bar district, he finally found the towering club. “It looks just like a beanstalk,” thought Jack, “like some enchanted thing right out of a fairytale.”

The fairytale motif didn’t just end there. There was no opening in the club, because there was nothing to open to. The inside was solid cement; everyone partied outside, on the walls of the beanstalk. Ladders were the common method used in climbing up, but since Jack wasn’t a fit person, he asked the manager if they had elevators. “Certainly, sir. But only those with authorized passes to enter may use it, and it only stops on the 169^th floor,” said the manager. At first, the manager refused to let him use the elevator, but after seeing the VIP pass that Jack was carrying, he finally relented. Soon afterwards, he was traveling up the beanstalk.

“Isn’t it strange that 13 when squared equals 169?” mused Jack as the elevator steadily crept up to the 169^th floor.

The 169^th floor seemed to be nothing special, as Jack stepped out of the elevator. Suddenly, the alarms went off.

Jack could only watch in mute horror as a gigantic man came striding out of the lone room in the 169^th floor. “He must be around 10 feet tall!” thought Jack. The man made no attempt to harm them, though. He looked at him carefully as if trying to discern his purpose in coming to the top floor. All of a sudden, he spoke out in a rumbling voice. “Well, it seems that you come with no bad intentions. Welcome to the office of the top dog in this club. My name’s Chuckmeister. You can call me Chuckie for short.”

Chuckie showed the stunned Jack around his humongous office. Jack could only gape in wonder at the lavishness of the office, and the quirky inventions that Chuckie had been amassing for a year now.

Finally, Chuckie showed Jack something that forever changed his life. Chuckie’s wealth had come not from his family, but from his creativity. Jack invented the Golden Goose, an automated drink mixer that could be programmed to mix drinks to exact measurements. But not only did he do that, he also invented a unique drink made from the Golden Goose. He called the drink as “Golden Egg.” This drink proved to be so popular that people came in droves to his newly opened club.

“… And that’s how I became so rich,” said Chuckie.

After finishing the story, Chuckie excused himself and asked Jack to wait while he was finishing up some things he was attending to. Left inside the room, he began to form an idea. He decided to steal the Golden Goose and make his fortune. He justified his putting the bumming career on hold by telling himself that this was only temporary. He quickly gathered up the Golden Goose and went to the elevator hastily. As the elevator doors were opening, he heard a harsh cry shouting at him. Chuckie had returned. And he was not happy. Sighing in relief as the elevators closed on him with Chuckie still a few meters away, he caught his breath. Then he heard the thud above him. Chuckie had landed on top of the elevator.

As the ceiling panel opened, panic started to cloud Jack’s mind. Suddenly, he had an idea. Knowing that there would only be one chance for him to succeed, he waited until Chuckie’s arm was inside the elevator. Then he smashed the elevator lights and twisted Chuckie’s arm to touch the exposed wires. As the electric current flowed through Chuckie’s hapless body, he uttered one final cry. “Jack, I am your father!” “What a dingbat,” thought Jack, although he couldn’t shake the feeling that what Chuckie was telling him was the truth. But either way, it was too late. The charred body of Chuckie was all that remained.

All of a sudden, the elevator stopped. Jack pried open the elevator doors and found himself a mere 15 feet away from the ground, and freedom. He jumped.

He lived happily ever after. Until…

Until 15 years later, when a much richer Jack woke up from a dream he had. He called up his mom who was now living in a posh apartment downtown.

“Mom, what was father’s name?” asked Jack.

“Why on earth should you wake me up for, Jack? But if you really want to know, then his first name is…”

“Chuckie.”

“Noooo!!!” Jack’s cry of anguish echoed through his empty mansion, underscoring the cheesiness of the moment.

The End.