Friday, August 12, 2005

Rain

I saw three bubbles floating on a puddle of water.
The rain was beating down on the earth.
Two of the bubbles were quickly burst by the falling drops of rain.
The third bubble managed to slip in and out of the raindrops threatening to burst it.
It tried so hard.
After a few seconds, the final bubble burst.

-------------------------------------------------------

I don't know what happened today.

I tried my best to forget yesterday. I tried my best to make it work. Well, it did work, at least at the start. I thought to myself, maybe I can get over this hurdle.

But in the end, Yoda was right. Do or do not, there is no try.

It started after lunch. Depressingly, it started right after I thought to myself that things were okay.

It was the little things that did me in, I think. Little things I noticed, like the fact that she didn't show the least interest in what I was saying. It's either that, or she's deaf. I don't know. If she IS deaf, then I really haven't known her THAT well.

Break--- I just remembered one thing she told me. "The first term is almost over, and I still don't know you," she said. I remembered being a little bit hurt, that after all the conversations we had, she didn't think of me as a close friend. But then she laughed. I still wonder sometimes whether she meant it as a joke or as a serious thing.
End of break----

Where was I? Little things.. Like while we were waiting for photocopied notes, We sat together on the steps. Then she walked away. After that, she didn't even try talking to me. The whole time I was sitting there, she talked with every group of people near me. Every group. All except me. I know I probably should've tried talking to her then, but I was stopped by the thought that if she didn't care enough to talk to me of her own will, then maybe I was wrong about everything I thought about her.

There I was, the drama of my life replaying in my head, fermenting. I know I shouldn't have thought of things that way, but I couldn't stop myself. I kept wondering about all the little things she said to me, all the little actions she did. The little things that she did while she was with me and the little things that she did when she was with other people. Little things like taking me for granted. I had begun to notice that she was taking me for granted whenever there were other people around. I do not, and I might be getting paranoid in my old age.

I guess I just got fed up being the one who always tries. It's not like we were strangers. I know we haven't been friends that long, but I still thought of her as being a close friend. What she thought of me, I do not know. And I wonder if it's a blessing that I do not know.

It all came to a head.

I guess she really didn't think anything was wrong. I got fed up. I reacted rashly. I shouted at her, asking why if seemed that she didn't want to talk to me. Knowing that I couldn't take back my words, I walked away. She tried to ask me why I was angry. "Oi, why are you angry?" Again.. That "Oi." She tried a different tack and said, "Don't be angry" or "Sorry" I don't want to remember. I really wanted to talk to her then. To tell her what I really felt.

I think it was my pride that stopped me from doing so. Sigh. I guess I really didn't think she would understand my reasoning- that friends were supposed to take care of each other, that friends would never ignore each other, that friends are people whom you can really turn to.

We were supposed to watch Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Or play Dance Mania. I didn't think I could function that well now that I was angst-y and all. So I split.

Now I'm here in the office of The LaSallian, fulfilling my residency requirement. I have been moping around in the office, acting like a weirdo. I didn't even have the strength to smile.

I do not want to lose her. I have to face that fact. Maybe it will help me pick up the broken pieces of our friendship and glue them back together.

I don't want to sweat the small stuff.
She's not worth losing over them.

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